Payaat :Tongue -tied no more

It has been always hard to say everything to you because I always kept wondering what it is the right thing to do.  


Even if we were very close , I certainly knew I wasn't able to tell you everything.


I knew I hurt you and I feel sorry about that letter I sent on December 4,2009. I never wanted to do that but I must. This letter will be again lengthy because I will say all that was left unsaid for years.

Allow me to start from the time I met you.

I could still remember what you were wearing and I could still imagine your gestures and your voice. It was aggie, at plant scie bench. That was May of 2006 and from that day forward I kept thinking about you. You were never out of my mind even until now. I always looked forward of meeting you at church or accidentally bumping you inside the campus. It brought so much joy when you conversed to me as you rarely engaged in conversations with people. I don't know if you still remember but the first time that you asked me a favor was when you tried to lend a history book. Actually, I never had that history book.I never owned a History 1 book. When you asked me about that, I tried to ask my friends in the cottage to allow me lend a History 1 book. You were waiting downstairs and I was really nervous even if that event seemed so ordinary - a church friend asking a friend if she can lend him a History 1 book. I hope it was as simple as that but it never was. That was unforgettable. Mamang ,Bembem and Aling saw it all. Thinking about it now paints a smile in my face. How could you have captured me that way? 

Thanks to Jenjen you finally knew how I was feeling. I was really furious when she told you about me. I never intended to disturb you in the wrong time.We were still too young and I never wanted to have you in the wrong time because I was too afraid I might not have you when the right time comes. I never wanted us to be temporary so I waited. I kept that truth just to me and my close friends. Jenjen told you about everything and I was really nervous that time. I was having the worst headaches that time. I didn't want to go out of our cottage because I might see you and I don't know how to face you. I was always nervous during church choir practice because I might see you and Oh...I was so shy. 

I knew we became more than friends. Those were the sweetest days of my life . I could never imagine how on earth you liked me too. I still have the notebook where I used to copy all your text messages and I still have the memory card where I used to save our phone calls. I still have my journals who witnessed all my confusions, nervousness, silliness and happiness. Thanks to you. If one will read my journals those were majority about you, church, family and MSU.  I will forever keep them. I got a good picture of you in one of my journals. Looking at them now, paints a good smile again on my face. I realized I never liked anyone the way I like you. You were not my childhood crush but it doesn't matter because the first one is not necessarily the most unforgettable one. We just met when we were freshmen at MSU and  if I met you when I was younger, I could have been one of those who admired you at an early age.

Ate Ahwel, Mamang , Honey and my parents asked me why I got a crush on you and eventually love you. I think I admired you since the first day I saw you. You were the cutest among all I saw because you were somehow chubby. I appreciated it that you rarely talked as I was curious what were running to your mind. I couldn't guess your next actions and I find it so annoying. Why can't I somehow imagine your next actions? For years, you have been always unpredictable. Your being unpredictable is just one of the many things I admired about you. If you wanted to hear the top three reasons why I like you, here are the reasons. First, it is your sincerity.  I know you are honest ...I know you are sincere thus making your words credible. I know that if you say something you mean it. Second, you respected your parents very much. I liked the way you care and listen to your Mom. I like the way you cared for your Father's opinion. Third, I knew that you were having a hard time in balancing school and church and I am proud to say that you tried your best. There were many who were always attending choir duties but still doing wrong things. Drinking and having affairs with girls outside our church among others were so common among those who even always performed their choir duties and even if you couldn't make it to the choir several times...I knew you were still having that deep faith to our God inside you. Nobody is perfect except, of course, to God and Jesus.

I sent you that letter because of these reasons ( the letter I sent on December 4, 2009, after choir practice). First, I was too worried that we will progress into something more intimate in the wrong time. There is time for everything. I was too afraid of having you then losing you because I suspected God will be angry and will not bless us. I knew that if I wanted something to last, I should not hurry it. As childish I was, I couldn't think of any other way than writing that letter. Second, I don't want the possibility that your parents will dislike me because we engaged into that relationship in the wrong time. I respect your parents and so are their opinions. In the same way, I respect my parents' opinions too. Our parents will not like the idea that we are in a relationship in such young age. In order to have a happy relationship, we must have the blessings from our parents. I wanted to have that blessings and I knew it wouldn't be impossible if I will be waiting...and so I waited. Third, I am convinced we were still too young and those feelings seemed unstoppable. I could sense danger. There is no sense in having you in the wrong time and lose you when the right time comes so I opted for waiting for the right time.  I guess you can imagine what right time means. I believe it is after we finish school and it is when we are matured enough to take care of a relationship. It was stated in the homily that we should be in a relationship only when we are spiritually, emotionally and financially ready. I want to have you in the right time because I could sense the danger in having you in the wrong time. I sent that letter because that was the best device I could imagine at such young age. I know I broke your heart. I broke mine more too but I still insisted in sending it because of the above reasons. There seemed to be no way we could remain friends as we both knew how we were feeling. 

After sending that letter, my heart was really breaking but I prayed so hard to manage all the pains. It was painful seeing you with Lailanie. It was painful that I was crying while praying. ( yeah,Hahahah,,I was that dramatic! ) I wanted to talk to you but, at such young age, I don't know what to do. I wish I had more maturity that time and took bravery in talking to you. As weak as I was, I couldn't even get near you once more. I am sorry for that weakness. I wish I could turn back time and talked to you. I treated you unfairly, I knew. I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. 

When I was about to graduate I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to but I was too shy to ask you out. I was worried I might interrupt your busy schedule. It was sad because I rarely saw you because you started to have your nursing duties at Iligan. I wanted to hug you tight the time I was about to leave MSU with all my things and with my family. I sent you a text message using Papa's number when I was already riding in the jeepney bound to Iligan. I am not sure if you received those but I sure tried sending it many times making sure you will get the message. 

After my graduation, I promised to work hard so that you will be proud of me. I wanted you to see me eagerly preparing for my future and that I am not wasting time. I wanted to be the right person for you. After graduation, I was sent to the hospital. During the graduation ceremony I was so sick. I was so sick that I could not enjoy the graduation ceremony. You were not in the crowd and I wanted to cry more. I wanted to see you smiling at me while I was having my graduation march. I wanted you to meet my parents and my brother. I wanted to hug you while I was wearing my graduation robe. I wanted to tell you that I never stopped loving you even if I kept the distance. I wanted to send you all my letters but ...as a coward as I was... I never did. I wanted to watch the fireworks during my graduation with you. I wanted to have morning walks with you before I left MSU. I wanted to and it is still breaking my heart now. ( hahaha,,bear with me..I am really dramatic when it comes to you ).The doctor diagnosed it as over-fatigue plus my poor eyesight. Over-fatigue due to lack of sleep. Do you know why? I was thinking and thinking of what to do.. how to ask you out! I was VERY sad that i was about to leave MSU..leave you. I was not very happy! I was feeling so terrible because I could not talk to you. I waited that you will ask me out but you never did.

After almost a year of being away after my graduation, I went back to MSU and I was so excited to see you one more time. I was really wondering if I could ask you out or if you will ask me out.Again, It never happened. Nevertheless, I was REALLY happy seeing you. I was really happy seeing you smile at me. I was impressed that you looked even better than what I imagined. I was TOO happy seeing you after many months of just looking at your facebook activities. I wanted to hug you but I heard you moved on. I heard you are looking at me as your friend.I heard you were able to successfully moved on. That was heartbreaking. What is more heartbreaking? I knew you were telling the truth. Remember the first reason why I liked you ? It is because you are sincere and that you are honest in what you say. I wanted to ask you personally but I couldn't. It might just be too painful hearing it straight from you.

I wondered how you moved and I wondered why I can't seem to do the same. It was painful that you were ignoring me. 

Still, I tried to hold on and waited for that "One Sweet Day"… that day when it is already right for us to be back together. I was actually thinking of when to best visit MSU again. I visited MSU February of 2011 and I decided to be back on your graduation. I promised to be back on your graduation, right? I was happy that it was ate Ahwel's graduation too. Anyway, even if Ate will not graduate on the same batch, I will still be present during your graduation because during one of our conversations, I promised to be back. Seeing you march at Dimaporo, seeing you VERY happy made me cry! I was soooo happy because I knew you were so tired of studying and you were so tired of being a nursing student. You and your family deserved all the happiness of that day. I wanted to hug you but ...I knew it will be awkward. Anyway, even if I couldn't get near you. . .I was too happy just seeing you taking pictures with that big smile on you! Those moments were priceless.To document that fateful day,  I even took a video as your name was called during your graduation. After the Thursday worship service at Aggie, I was nervous when your Mom invited me to have a dinner with your family. In as much as I never wanted to over interpret it, I think I just did. I was too nervous and YES..I WAS VERY HAPPY.I was over expecting. My bad. My thoughts just hurt me.

After your graduation, I started praying that you will pass the board and be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserved the joy of passing the board exam because I saw, maybe not everything but, I saw how you worked hard. I wanted your parents to be happy too. Anyway, whatever will be the result..I will always feel proud you did your best. Everything happens for a reason and God finds that reason so justifiable that sometimes our human minds can’t understand just yet.   I prayed for you still even if I knew that you were able to successfully forget about me. I prayed for you even if I knew I was not in your future plans anymore. Just in case you are wondering who told me, it's Jane. I thank her for her honesty. She is like a younger sister to you and I am thankful to know truths from her even if it was painful beyond words hearing that you got over me and you like someone else now. Just in case you are wondering what was my reaction when I heard you like Dina very much. I was actually staying and teaching at Davao that time and I decided to work half day only after I read my email. I couldn't access Facebook messages through facebook homepage in our office but just through email . You know what I did? I went to a beauty salon and colored my hair for the first time in my life. I was absent from work because I couldn't concentrate. Confirming everything was too hard for me. I went out , shop, eat and mourn alone. I called my Mother and I was crying.

I tried liking others just to get over from you but no one ever topped you. NO ONE. I tried appreciating others but I ended up hurting them because I could not forget you. I attempted to get seriously involved with someone but it never worked out. I decided to stop forcing myself in moving on. I decided to do that since I know that  "time heals" . I should wait for the feeling to fade naturally and accept the fact that I am part of your past. I must admit that I can't have everything I want.

Right now, and after praying about this, I decided to stop. I tried many times but those were never successful because I had many things left unsaid. Right now, since we are far, I tried making a way to say it all. I am trying to be brave now because I wanted to stop myself in waiting for the time that might never come. I have been always optimistic that I will see you in the right time but I guess... I must stop that optimism. You once told me that when you like someone and when you say you are over her..you are REALLY over her. Telling your close friends that you are over me made me sure you are REALLY over me. There is always sincerity in your words and I know this one is true... you are over me..you have moved on. I am telling you everything not because I want you back. I am also convinced it is impossible because of the distance. I am telling you everything now because I want to give this year a fresh start. I want to free myself from waiting in vain. I want not to feel the pain... the truth that you are ignoring me. Simple things were hurting me so much and I want not to feel those again. Many times we were both online in facebook and I could not even get a simple "hi" from you. I understood you might be busy. Knowing that if you really like someone you will always find time..in your case..I knew I didn't matter that much anymore. Now, I decided to say everything. Now that I am convinced there will never be “us” because you forgot about me already and I am already almost healed. I am praying to fully get over form our past. In time, I know I will be healed.

Thank you Tambook for all the happiness and lessons you brought to my life. So far, this story is my only "love story" . Thank you for making me feel so brave now. I feel so good that I finally said.. I think.. almost everything. I decided to do this also because I want to give this year a fresh start. I want to get over from the things that are hurting me. I want to be happier this year and so... I am moving on. Please don't think I am trying to win you back. I don't want to. You deserve someone better than me.Someone who can make you smile more . I remember you were so happy seeing birthday greetings for you posted on bulletin boards during one of  your birthday at MSU. I posted those greetings early in the morning and I made sure you can really see them. I hope you will always remember those greetings as you celebrate your future birthdays. I believe ... someone can make you happier that those birthday greetings . I always end up hurting you and I don't want you to be sad. I just want to see you happy and healthy. I wanted your parents and Lilzen to remain healthy too.

You will always be a part of me..you will always be in my memories. Thanks and I deeply wish you will be successful and that in God's time... I wish you will be happy with the woman made for you. Please tell me if you found her...okay? I will also tell you if you if I will see mine too. Cheers! Remain happy ! Aja Aja!